Lan and Friends vs Internet Censorship
by StupidSequel
Summary: Lan finds out that Congress is debating two bills that would put an end to profanity, trolling, and possibly net battling. When the opponents of the bill call gov't officials and sign petitions, the bills are defeated, but the FCC decides instead to censor real life. Inspired by that episode of Family Guy, the SOPA and PIPA battle, and the Scunthorpe Problem.


**Megaman vs. Internet Censorship**

**The humor may be somewhat dated, but it needed to be done**

"Singing Sword battle chip in, download!" Lan was in a net battle against his girlfriend Maylu. Megaman's sword thingy began singing in a way identical to Frank Sinatra. Roll was mesmerized by his sexy voice. "And now, Megaman, take five." Lan ordered. Megaman's eyes popped out of his skull at a distance.

"During a net battle? Hell no! I will kill your girlfriend's net navi whether you like it or not, you looney." Megaman said rebelliously. Roll finished him off in one fell swoop.

"Just so you know, I let you win because you're my girlfriend. Happy late Valentine's Day." Lan said, then mumbled under his breath, "even though I hate Valentine's Day so much I'd rather live through 9/11 ten times at once." Maylu didn't know whether to be flattered or mad at her boyfriend for being such a pansy as to make Justin Bieber look as manly as Chuck Norris.

"Jack off M-I mean, Jack OUT! Jack OUT!" Lan pulled out the cord connecting his PET to his Windows 9 computer. Suddenly he got an e-mail from Demand opened up Thunderbird and read the message. It was an emergency, alright. The message read:

Right now, Congress is debating two bills pushed by the FCC that would effectively censor the internet: the senate bill Stop Online Profanity Act, or SOPA, and the house version, Punish Internet Profanity Act, or PIPA. They are both pretty much the same thing. They restrict free speech by forcing websites to remove any obscene content within ten hours or else the site will shut down FOREVER! It doesn't just pertain to bad words like fag, cocksucker, shit, or fuck. If you say something is stupid, that counts as an obscenity. You're not even allowed to talk about Moby Dick or the Dick Van Dyke show. And it goes even further than that. If you type a word that includes the letters of a filth word (for example, shitake mushrooms or shell), same thing. Posting the bill's definition of profanity on the internet is a felony, punishable by being forced to watch episodes of Jersey Shore with the characters drawn as My Little Pony. NOT FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC! The previous gen ponies. Something I would not wish on my worst enemies. They claim this is supposed to stop children who use the internet from cussing, but this does over 9000 more harm than good. Call and/or e-mail your senators and representatives and urge them to oppose these toilet paper bills. Lan narrowed his eyes. "Read this, Maylu. We have to do something." Lan called senator Mario Mario (not THAT Mario), senator Jesus Christ (NOT the Messiah. Just someone with an identical name) and rep. Bill Sikes (not the one from Oliver and Company). Lan gave a well thought out explanation of why those bills should not pass. And then repeated it twice more to the other government peoplez. "If either of those bills passes, how will anyone decide anything ever again? We make all our decisions by net-battling because it's a similar degree of serious business as a certain childrens' card game from a certain other series. It'll be the end of the internet." Lan lamented.

A few days later, Lan got an e-mail from his representative:

If you love the constitution so much, why don't you marry it? In other words, me and the two senators of the state of *** support these two bills and would die for them.

This made Lan angry enough to punch an orphan with cancer. "I would not spit on those assholes if they were on fire. One reason is because spitting would not be nearly enough to put out the fire. But I would not even get a fire extinguisher."

Lan decided to Netbattle Maylu as a way to get rid of daily stress because he thought yoga was some sort of bootleg yogurt.

"Battle Chip in. Download." It was a dark chip.

"A dark chip?" Maylu gasped, her eyes popping out far from her skull. "I'm screwed," Maylu said meekly.

"Yes. I am going to win this battle once and for all because the only way for Megaman to win ever is if I either come up with some kind of ass pull style change, program advance, or simply with a dark chip, because I know that my buddy Megaman is the weakest net Navi around." Megaman won the net battle, and not only that, but he deleted Roll.

"Dammit, now I have to download another one from Megaupload." She tried to get on Megaupload, and failed.

"Megaupload was shut down, remember?" Lan reminded her.

"Yes, I know that, dumbass!" Maylu snapped. She tried another file sharing site. No luck. No luck on the next one either. "Looks like I'm going to have to join Anonymous."

"Dude, why are you saying that to me? If you wanna be a member of Anonymous, I know who you are, and therefore, anonymity is defeated. And are you sure you want to be involved in a group of hacker vigilantes?"

"If Congress passes those internet censorship bills, I will need to fight the force. So will you please, PLEASE forget that I said anything?" It wasn't as easy as forgetting about the game once you lose it.

Later:

"Damn, the bills passed this round of votes. Let's hope they die in round 2." Lan made another set of calls to his government representatives. At the same time, he signed an online petition to stop these bills that would stop trolling. "If these bills pass, how am I ever gonna troll again? Am I gonna have to move under a bridge and disfigure myself?"

A few days later, Lan got another e-mail from Demand Progress and crossed his fingers. The bills failed. "WOOO HOOO! Now I can troll all I want!" He went on Justin Bieber's baby video and posted any kind of praise. He went on "YouTube's New Layout A Guided Tour" to post praise. He read through the comments and was puzzled when he saw a comment that read "The likes are bigger than my son Bobby Hill's penis" and it somehow got a few thumbs ups. _Who the hell is Bobby Hill?_

The FCC peoplez invaded Congress, with walkie talkies in their hands.

"You shelved the two bills? That makes me angry! You know that if you don't pass these bills, you will not get more money than you already have. Don't make us use these walkie talkies on you."

"The people have spoken. Laws cannot be bought." A senator spoke, standing up to the head of the FCC.

"Fine then, if we can't censor the internet's profanity, then we must stop profanity at its source. Instead of the internet, we will censor real life. And you WILL help us if you don't want to get spoiled on the 8th Harry Potter book."

"Okay, okay. You win. We like Harry Potter and all."

The next morning Lan got out of *** a little earlier than usual because he wa* **cited about the ***** of those two evil bills. Aw man, their censorship powers even extend beyond the fourth wall, censoring wha* * *ype!

Lan had a pancake and ******* on a *****. He liked it very much.

Now it was off to school.

When Lan walked into class, ms. maury greeted him with a "****o."

Ms. Maury or however you spell Lan's teacher's name, was giving a literature lesson.

"Alright cl***, today ** will be reading Moby ****." She couldn't say the book's ***le for obvious reasons. When she p***ed out the books to all the students, everyone noticed something strange on the book's cover: the ***le had a black rectangle over it. **** of the FCC's plan to censor real life. They were all reading aloud together. "One week from now, there will be a q*** over chapters one thru five." The teacher explained. Everybody groaned.

"This book is ******," one of the students ***plained.

"Dude, it's a cl***ic. You're not allowed to think it's ******. When they were reading it, the words were censored in much the same way I have censored this fanfic.

"They cut out all the ****words, violence, and ***?" Dex ***plained when it skipped from chapter 10 to chapter 15. A nerdy student in the back *** raised her hand.

"May I go to tha* **ter fountain in the hall to take a *****?" She requested. "I'm so thirsty."

"No one's leaving my cl*** for any reason. If your kidney* **plode, good for you. My motto is 'go before cl*** or forever hold your ***. In your case, little lady, you should have taken a ***** right before cl***. Seems like someone learned a little lesson, eh?"

"I'd still rather be in the school I went to in S****horpe.

"Why the **** don't you guys care about the cons***ution?"

"Because we can no ****er call it the cons***ution because it contains the word ***."

"Oh. Makes perfect sense."

During P.E. cl*** when Lan went to go change, everyones' private ****s were covered by black rectangles.

"Oh **** on!" Lan griped.

"Go away, ****! Go use the girls' locker room, dweeb!" a random bully teased. "Not everyone thinks a guy's **** should be a museum exhibit."

After school, Lan and his clique were in a Socratic Circle, dis****ing and trying to think of ways to stop the real life censoring. They were all be***ing more and more wi****ul.

A news report on TV talked about how the world's human population has been steadily declining due to no one being allowed to have *** due to the censoring of real life.

"Time is running out." Lan said.

He biked to the FCC HQ and stuck out his middle ****** toward it. It was blurry.

"God ****, I mean, gosh darn it!" His middle finger became unblurred.

"Hey, I think I know how to undo this real life censoring. When you're mad, don't cuss. Use euphemisms."

Lan, who had over 1,000,000 followers on Twitter, tweeted his revelation.

This was a small sample of the euphemisms that would undo the FCC's damage:

"HOW COULD OUR FUDGING GUBERMENT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?"

"The FCC is a Secret of NIMH 2"

"Our founding fathers who are in the shadow realm are doing wild takes right now."

Yay, now I don't have to censor any more of this fanfic!

Maylu downloaded a back up copy of Roll from GigaUpload and net battled Lan one more time to celebrate their two victories. Neither side let up. As for who won, I'll let you imagine... nevermind, Megaman got curbstomped as I was saying that last line, even tho Lan had an arsenal of Dark Chips.

AN: In case you couldn't read the censored words, here they are, in the order that they appear: bed, was excited, death, what I type, sausage, stick, hello, class, we, Dick, title, passed, title, part, quiz, stupid, complained, classic, stupid, cuss, sex, complained, row, that water, drink, class, Scunthorpe, hell, longer, constitution (seriously, did I really need to explain that one?) tit, come, homo, dick, discussing, becoming, wistful, sex, finger, damn


End file.
